I think that, if I make it to the end of the semester and still feel this way, I will have to leave. I woke up last night with a pain in my chest (not my heart this time, but undoubtedly not good for my heart). Last Friday during my Friday morning group meditation time, the teacher asked who was breathing so hard and loud. I think it was me. He said, "That's not Zen." Lately, I've been so tense that I've been breathing short, shallow breaths, and I can't control it. Great! I can't even breath properly.
Others have said it and I've said it to others, if you can't stand the jostling and human physical interaction, you should leave. Perhaps I will. I know I shouldn't let it bother me, but it does. Yesterday, at the subway, I was waiting where the little footprints are at the side of the subway doors when the subway pulled into the station. Just before the doors opened a young woman on the platform looked at me and then stepped right in front of me. When the subway doors opened, she took a single step into the subway and stopped. She stopped and I had to move around her to get on the subway. She had looked at me before the subway came and, at some level, knew I was there waiting to get on the subway.Then, at my destination, I got out and went into my favorite shirt shop (tailor made of course). Now this shop is only about 15 meters long and about 2 meters wide. It has all of its fabric hanging on one wall. There were a few other guys there so it was a little crowded. I had already stepped into the shop and left a couple of times the week before because it was too crowded, but I was determined to get my shirts this time. The normal procedure is that you look at the bolts of fabric and turn the corners under for the ones you want so that you can find them later. I had already done this to two bolts of cloth and was standing at arms length from the wall of fabric when a middle aged guy stepped in front of me and stopped to look at the fabric. There was less than a meter between me and the wall, but he squeezed in there. He then stopped and looked at the material that I had been looking at but could no longer see. Hello!!! Excuuuzzz me! When he came to the material that I had marked, he straightened everything out. I almost put my fist in the back of his head. However, I left the shop and now I still don't have my shirts. I'll have to go back again. How could he not have seen me?
Over the years, I have sat in crowded areas and looked in people's eyes, looked at their faces, and watched their body language in an effort to understand what Koreans are thinking. They aren't intending to bother others. I know this. I'm not taking it as a personal affront. I have asked Korean friends to tell me what is in people's minds at these times. Not only can't they explain it, they have no idea what I'm talking about. How, in the video shop, someone can stroll in front of you and take the movie that you were pondering. How, on a really crowded subway with no free seats in any car, people can push and shove through the center of the aisle to go from one car to another. To go where??? I just don't get it. How, in a crowded department store, people can stop at the bottom of an escalator to think about whether they want to go up or not. How, on a sidewalk with lots of space, people still seem to brush against you as they walk by. If it was an occassional thing, I would probably be okay, but I am really, really tired of it. I clearly don't have the ability that Koreans have not to notice. I do. I can hear my mother's voice, "Watch where you are going." "Don't block people." I'm aware of the sound of people who are behind me and about to pass me. How do I turn this hyperawareness off and preserve my sanity? I don't know. Perhaps I should accept that I just can't live here. Hopefully, I can make it through the semester, and then I'll think seriously about what to do. Perhaps sessional work at some hagwon in Canada won't be so bad.
If I stop blogging for a bit, it's because I don't want to blog a lot of negative stuff.
4 comments:
That was pretty eloquent, Mark. I'd also add a bit about the people who stop at the top of the stairs to answer their phone, and the group of three or more abreast who veer to the right and the left so one can't pass them on either side. Anyway, good luck!
Yes, I understand what you mean. I've seen this in other cultures--in mine, too. People break lines, push, shove...there's no sense of courtesy or personal space. At times, I've said, "There's a line here. We're ALL waiting..." Yes, some people don't see. Or they do, and prefer to ignore it. I don't know.
I can understand you not wanting to blog for a while. But, perhaps, it's good to write when you do feel negative. Why keep it in?
Nice entries. The cute dog that you spotted on your walk home; flowers, spring almost there in Seoul. Laughed at "The Party's Over" entry.
So much for now. As always, take good care.
Hello sir,
I used to live in Korea for about 10 years and I'll be back there in a few months. I hate to say this, but my cure for what you went through was a year and change in Iraq. I wonder if you've employed, what I call, "courtesy enforcement?" You know that whole cutting line thing, well you make it obvious that it was not all right and follow the Koreans' customs. For example, when someone bumps you, and you're not in the mood to be accomodating, you simply make sure the other person feels it. I can recall when an Ajumma took my seat on the bus by throwing her bag on the chair. You've probably experienced this yourself. I simply pushed her bag off into the aisle and sat down to the bemusement of some young people. I would have offered her my seat had she simply stood by as I sat down and then noticed her, but she didn't deserve it and I decided to act "Korean" and ignore what was obvious. In fact, after I made my point for five minutes, I offered her the seat, but she didn't take it. I guess some people don't like it when you play their games against them. Satisfaction...check. Point made...check. Ugly foreigner...neither check or no check. I hope you consider this and if you leave, I'm sure you'll feel the pull of Korea again and it will be fresh and new once you return, like I will.
Santi
Man, that lady at the subway in particular must have been especially annoying! I've had people sneak on ahead of me, but never cut right in front of me like that.
Well, don't get too excited about Canada...of course, the whole crowding thing is not as bad here, but just this very morning I'm about to get off the bus, waiting for the rear doors to open, standing in the stairwell (wide enough only for one person), when someone else has the audacity and complete lack of sense of personal space to squeeze in beside me on the step! I couldn't believe it! (He was a Caucasian—as am I—for what it's worth.)
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